The Wagon

As I sit in front of my computer the month of August is drawing closer to its half-way point. Rays of sunshine are beaming through arches of standing glass windows. People can be heard enjoying their day, and unknown sounds of daytime frolicking are chiming a jingle of mental distraction. I find myself exiled within the second story of the Sausalito library. Inside my brain is reminding me that only about forty-five minutes have elapsed since first walking inside the building to study, however in my heart it feels like it’s been closer to a couple of years.

A few posts ago I mentioned how I wanted to be a teacher in the state of California and that the goal of passing a series of skills exams was a top priority. The struggle of concentrating on a balanced mental diet of CSET Multi Subject Test prep materials in front of me has never felt more real.

I have fallen off the study wagon.

The prior post about teaching came in early April, back when I felt inspired to study. I was volunteering at two elementary schools in order to a meet an application prerequisite for various state schools, and reviewing test documents a few hours each day.

Things were looking good.

Back then I was only working a couple days a week, so finding time to hit the books was quite easy. Somewhere between late May and early June I hit a wall. The combination of waking up early to volunteer, staying up late at my wine bar job, and finding the study materials increasingly hard to learn, I was burning out. The task of being ready for the next test seemed too steep. Even as I write this I don’t feel smart enough to pass it. I lost focus and lost interest, not being sure if this was the “best” choice for my future anymore.

After being certain that becoming a teacher was what I truly wanted, turbulence in the water was starting to send my voyage towards a destination of nowhere.

Volunteering ended in June, just as a second job as a server in a busy local restaurant took fruition. I decided to hit a pause button on studying and focus more on making money. Instead of cramming while working full-time, it seemed better to simply save up as much as possible and reflect on what I should be doing next. I hoped that by the time summer ended a more clear route for what I should be doing with my life would piece itself together.

Now in mid August, I have been maintaining a schedule of two part time jobs, a social media marketing gig, and balancing free time between friends or family. Up until a week ago the “break” from studying has blossomed into a two and half month long flower of procrastination.

Instead of studying I decided to fill the gaps with thinking about what I wanted with my future. Teaching? Business? Travel again until broke? Reality TV star?

A few weeks ago a friend of a friend said something, not directly to me, but to a group of people, that changed my way of thinking. He said that often times you won’t ever find the “best” thing, you simply have to go with one and see what happens.

This isn’t the most inspiring thing to ever hear, but having someone who has had success in his career say this made me feel differently for some reason.

I still don’t know if teaching really is meant for me, but decided a week ago to give this choice another chance.

Currently I find myself in the sixth day of consecutive studying. There isn’t a timetable for when I’ll register for the test that I’m currently studying for, nor is there a date for when I hope to have all the requirements completed before applying to San Francisco/Sonoma State to get a Mutli-Subject Teaching Credential.

Inside I already know that a lot will happen between now and then, but all that matters in my heart is that I move forward.

Phonemes, Stages of Literacy, John Locke, the Spartans, the California Republic. These terms, along with the slight chatter of librarians and the semi aggressive rustling of turned newspaper pages, will be my friends for an undetermined amount of time.

Day six has been rough.

This is what being back on the wagon feels like.

I want to know what day seven feels like…

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